four/14 (dear you, pt. x)

it's been a little over four years.  


every so often, memories will flood back. it's been almost a year since the last time these thoughts crossed my mind. it's easy to remember the painful times. they've become etched so deep that it doesn't take much digging to bring them to the surface. i remember the fights, the lies, the awful words spoken. moments that i can't stand re-living, but that always seem to rear their heads when i need them the least. 


and then, there are times when something so very simple will remind me of good times. memories of laughter, joy, and simplistic childhood ignorance. there are so many parts of those stories that i can hardly bear to remember. sometimes, the good times almost feel worse. they're a more visceral experience, paying no regard to the way things played out, but instead reminding me of the amazing moments that were lost. 


so much of me hopes that it's never too late, and i think that i probably believe that. on my better days, i believe that. i look at the blissful innocence of my favorite four year old, and i am reminded that there is a chance for good in every person. it's only when i look at the reflections of destruction that brought us to this place, the circumstances that rewrote the fabric of family, that i lose sight of those good times and focus on the reality that is the mess you have placed us in. and yet, i want it to be better. no matter how unlikely, no matter how much destruction and damage and hate you have poisoned our lives with, i want to hold on to hope that things can get better, because i know there is always a capacity for change in all of us. 


dear you, 

everything ends someday.  

let's end this madness before the madness consumes and ends you.

it isn't too late. (i fear it's too late) i hope it isn't too late. 

this does not have to be the closing of this story, 

but you better act soon because we can't write this in pencil anymore. this destruction is being written in ink. and when we run out of pages, we'll have to write over some of the old stories. 

and I don't want to lose those stories.