ten songs that changed my life.

every year, at the beginning of a new class of students, i continue to revisit this idea of ‘top 10 songs’ and why we’ve chosen them. it’s been a while since i’ve revisited this playlist, and so now that i’ve updated mine for 2024, i thought it was time to do a deep dive.

in no particular order, let’s explain.


1) “Jesus Christ” - Brand New

i’m pretty sure that in high school, everyone in my incredibly angsty friend group had this song on their list, probably as a prelude to their very lazy deconstruction processes. but for good reason - this song STILL hits hard. simple repetitive guitar riff and drum beat, and lyrics that i’m pretty sure i’ve spoken verbatim to God at some point in life. it’s actually a pretty pertinent theme in my life - music has always been the soundtrack to some of the hardest questions i’ve asked God. also…the emotional yell of the last 3 lines is emo gold.

favorite line:

“Jesus Christ, I'm not scared to die, I'm a little bit scared of what comes after.

Do I get the gold chariot? Do I float through the ceiling?”

2) “love is war” - hillsong united

bold statement here - i don’t think any single group has had more of an impact on modern worship music than United. ZION was such a paradigm shifting album for me - until then, i had no idea that music written for church could be so incredibly artistic. the entire album is a no-skip for me, but i’ve always gravitated toward this song because the imagery of love being a fight is just so simple and poignant. faith hasn’t always been a straight line for me…nor do i think it has been for most people. this song is always a reminder to me that my relationship with Jesus is a CHOICE. luke 9:23 tells us to take up our cross daily and follow Jesus. fight to follow. with all that is within you.

favorite line:

“I will fight to follow”

3) “(*fin)” - anberlin

this band was the intro to emo music for me. and honestly, they were my first ‘favorite band.’ the night this album came out, i bought it on iTunes and listened to it 10 times in a row. this was the closing song on the album, and it gets better and better as the song goes on. the song is based on several stories in the writer’s life that shaped his early view on his faith, and to me it’s always been a reminder that all of us are pretty messed up, and God is the only one who can step into that with us.

favorite line:

“Will you stay strong as you promised?
Cause I'm stranded and bare
Meanness has washed up in all that I am
Please God take this and all”

4) “into the sea” - as cities burn

nobody writes weirder guitar riffs than this band. and i love that. i’ve always kind of based some of my screams off of cody from as cities burn. it’s super hard to choose a song off of this album, but whenever i make this playlist there’s always a song from this album. the way that this album deals with elements of faith is so raw and real and abrasive that it continues to resonate with me.

favorite line:

“Though we don't ever see you move
Slowly the wind turns you to sand
In the hands of children on the shore”

5) “here we are after dark” - the dangerous summer

this song has my favorite drum parts of almost any song written, ever. fun fact: i booked this band in 2013 to come play in a friend’s backyard to like 20 people. still one of my favorite moments. if ACB was a model of how i wanted to scream, aj perdomo is probably the single biggest influence on my singing, ever. i sang this song at an open mic night with a friend of mine once, and it may have been one of the first times i ever felt confident in my own skin as a vocalist. this isn’t even my favorite song of theirs…but it’s a reminder to me that it’s okay to be authentic.

favorite line:

“You've still got your voice, so don't just let this die”

6) “a prayer” - king’s kaleidoscope

so when i got fired from the church in 2016, i wasn’t technically fired. i was told in february that at the end of the school year in 3 months that my job wouldn’t exist anymore. so june of 2016 was the first month without this piece of me that i had carried for so long, and i was so incredibly lost and broken. most nights, i didn’t even have words to say and so i just got drunk to avoid processing. this album came out june of 2016, and a lot of people were pretty pissed that a song by a Christian band, especially a song called ‘a prayer’, could feature an f-bomb so prominently. but to be honest, most of my prayers in that season were full of f-bombs. i was so lost, hurt, angry, depressed, anxious, and emotional that all i could do was just let it out. this song brought me through the darkest season of my life and my faith, and will always resonate with me in a way that few songs can.

favorite line:

“jesus where are you? am i still beside you?”

other favorite line:

“I'm right beside you
I feel what you feel
And I'm here to hold you
When death is too real”

7) “too bright to see, too loud to hear” - underøath

it’s so incredibly hard to choose a favorite underoath song. this band introduced me to heavy music and is the reason that i’m a musician. i’m not even going to explain this song…just go listen to it right now.

favorite line:

“Good God, can You still get us home?”

8) “persevere” - gang of youths

the story of this song is incredibly heartbreaking…it was written for a friend of the singer who lost a child shortly after birth. it’s a conversation about faith, between a man who’s lost so much and held onto faith, and someone without much faith trying to make sense of it all. it’s hauntingly beautiful, and continues a theme for me of songs that remind me that sometimes we don’t have all the answers, and God’s big enough to hold it all together in the meantime.

favorite lines:

“But God is full of grace
And his faithfulness is vast
There is safety in the moments
When the shit has hit the fan”

“I live hard 'cause I am scared
That I won't mean anything”

9) “dirty and left out” - the almost

i was part of a worship band in high school…and really we were just a bunch of emo kids trying to fit in. this song was on constant rotation, probably because we were all just stoked that it was the drummer form Underoath, but for me i always connected with this song and its simplicity. i felt so unworthy of God’s love, and so broken that i just didn’t feel like i belonged anywhere. this song always did a great job of pointing me right back to Jesus - the only one who’s ever truly known me.

favorite line:

“Jesus, Jesus,
There's something about your name
Master, savior, Jesus”

10) “the love you want” - sleep token

this may be the most recent song to make this list for me. not only is the technicality and theatricality of this band second to none, but as someone who spent most of their life as a pretty hopeless romantic i just love this one. beautiful vocals, incredible music…few words to describe how much i love this one.

favorite line:

“are you simply waiting to save your love for someone i am not?”

Mountain. (Dear you, pt. 19)

Did you lose it?

Or did you just stop looking?

The view from over here is wild;

It’s grand;

It’s unobstructed.

And I think the craziest part -

The part that hits me the most -

Is that it was never really hidden the way that I thought it was.

From the bottom of the valley it’s hard to see the horizon,

But the horizon never moved. 

So why did we move?

Did you lose it?

Or did you just stop looking?

Maybe the mountains that were obstructing the view were self-made;

Altars of complacency,

Built as monuments to the wrong things.

And maybe instead of looking to those monuments,

Hoping to stare into the past longing for distant fleeting pleasure,

We can stare into the present.

The present. 

Did you lose it?

Or did you just stop looking?

There’s no mountain in front of us,

Because the Mountain-Maker placed us on top of the mountain instead.

And maybe instead of looking down at the bottom,

Where we feel paralyzed at times by the sheer magnitude of it all,

We should look forward,

Looking toward the beauty around us and ahead of us;

Looking at the joy of life and the miracle of belonging. 

Maybe we stop scaling the mountain alone,

And we realize that it’s so much better climbing with a team.

Maybe we stop using the mountains as monuments and use the Mountain-Maker as a living compass.


Dear you,

Did you lose it?

Or did you just stop looking?

Because it’s here.

It’s wild.

And it’s waiting for you to enjoy the view.

wait/weight (dear you, pt. 18)

there’s wisdom in waiting -

that’s what i’ve been told my whole life.

and i never entirely understood it,

because i’ve always looked to now;

to instant;

to the things that i wanted, whenever.


there’s wisdom in waiting -

and so i waited.

through calm and through hurricanes;

through peace and war;

through hell and back -

waited for provision,

safety,

comfort,

answers,

love.

i waited for a restored life,

against my own will at times,

hoping without trusting.


there’s wisdom in waiting -

and so i surrendered.

i surrendered to the waiting;

to the Plan-Maker;

to the Promise Keeper;

to the hope that God works all things together.

and oh, how sweet it was -

to receive rest,

peace,

hope,

joy,

and -

my greatest gift -

you.


there’s wisdom in waiting -

and that waiting brought me to love;

to a love that embodies everything about the Maker of love;

to a love that radiates the warmth of Light;

to a love that emanates the joy of the Father;

to a love that reflects the beauty of the Author.

to you -

my love,

my greatest gift.


there’s wisdom in waiting -

and right now,

i’m waiting again,

for what feels like an eternity,

to embrace you again.

it’s a waiting that i never knew the weight of -

because we don’t think about the weight of the wait -

but it’s a wait with a promise.

a promise,

that the waiting is worth both the weight and the wait.

a promise to reunite,

and that the hole left here in my heart that longs for your embrace will be filled -

because the one who formed my heart in the first place is faithful enough to hold it together for me and with me.


dear you,

there’s wisdom in waiting,

and you’ve been more than worth the weight.

weightless (dear you, pt. 17)

there’s no burden in weightlessness;

no chains in letting go.

these things that we carried for so long,

they buried us while we were too stubborn to say ‘no.’


stubborn? or mesmerized?

it’s hard to tell sometimes.

we become so accustomed to these patterns,

these people,

these choices,

that they began to look like all we had left.

and, for the longest time,

it felt like it was all i had left.

discovering who i was meant a lot of learning who i wasn’t.

the weight of who you aren’t can feel crushing,

as if our shortcomings are irreparably set in stone,

and all of a sudden we find ourselves chained to a reality that we want no part of.


but the beauty of weightlessness,

is that there are no chains,

except for the ones that keep you anchored to the shore.

the beauty of weightlessness

is that life feels manageable again.


the beauty of weightlessness

is that it’s so much fun to dream again.


dear you,

i’m dreaming again,

and this time,

i’m weightless.

let go, hold on. (dear you, pt. 16)

the biggest weight we carry

is the one that we’ve convinced ourselves we deserve.

or, at least i used to think that.

now,

i’m pretty certain that our biggest burden

is the one that we’ve enabled others to stack onto us.

because most of the time,

at least with most people i know,

they have no idea how heavy their words are.

words of lead;

words of cement;

words that on their own may not have much pull,

but when compounded with our own thoughts and insecurities,

those words feel like a glue that we can’t get out of.

and instead of scraping them off slowly,

and peeling back at the layers,

we want to take a jackhammer and destroy the whole thing.

but, you see,

a jackhammer is messy and noisy.

it disrupts everything around us;

it lacks nuance.


dear you,

i watch the weight that you’ve allowed others’ words to pile onto you.

and i know that weight very well,

because i’ve been there,

desperate to please everyone,

but too closed-handed to allow anyone to take the reigns other than myself.

i know the feeling -

the feeling that nobody is on your side,

that everyone has a criticism but nobody has a helping hand.

i know what it feels like to try your best while feeling trapped in the same repeating cycles.

someone once told me that i need to stop ‘trying my best’,

and i was pretty angry at them,

because i didn’t really trust their heart.

but the more that i’ve thought about it,

the more it made sense.

trying your best will only get you so far,

and so i have to shift -

stop trying my best,

and start accepting God’s best -

Jesus.

the literal embodiment of God’s best.


letting go is painful,

because familiarity breeds comfort.

but comfort is death.

let go.

let go of control,

let go of condemnation,

let go of habits that need to go,

let go of people that don’t point you to Jesus,

let go of fears that cripple you,

let go of desires that hold you back,

let go of it all.

hold on.

hold on to hope.

hold on to love - true love.

hold on to grace.

hold on to healing.

hold on to laughter.

hold on to necessary tears.

hold on to those who are willing to keep their arms stretched out to you no matter how tough.

hold on to you.

hold on to me.

hold on to Him.


dear you,

let go.

hold on.