one year ago

one year ago,

i had a place to call my own,

and people who helped make it a home.


i lost some sense along the way,

and the damage was always growing. bigger and bigger,

until the cracks could no longer hide beneath the surface.

one year ago,

i had a place that i called home,

and the relentless desire to make that home known.

but maybe i tried too hard to make it my own,

and maybe i had been given too much space to roam.

i don’t know how i threw it away,

but it doesn’t feel like home today,

even though the ones i love never left their places,

i still can’t bear the disappointment on their faces.

one year ago,

those who i held dear were all gone,

and it was a sign that i wish i hadn’t missed.

those people are back, and they’ve given my heart a home,

and a reminder that sometimes we can get lost when we set out to roam.

one year ago,

i was searching for love.


i think that i really just wanted acceptance

at any cost.

this longing for a space to fit into turned me into a shell of what i thought i once was.

and in the end,

those who i was trying to impress are now at some of the farthest distances from my heart.


those who i thought had lost hope in me pulled me from the wreckage.

one year ago,

everything was different.

and i told myself,

“it’s going to be different this time.”

in many ways, things ended up being different,

but so much remained the same.

the problem is,

how do you know if the things that changed are for the best?

can you truly know if this is the right place?

because everything feels wrong right now,

and yet in the midst of the chaos there remains elements of beauty.

often, it’s a chaotic beauty. there’s a sense that we’re all still a huge mess, and we all know it.

and yet the pursuit of a Father who truly understands our pain and our needs and our longing unites the chaos,

and holds these pieces together.

one year ago,

i lost sight of the center.

i lost sight of the Savior.

i lost my vision and i lost my way.

i’m ready to pick up a map,

put some glasses back on,

and head back towards sanity.

happy new year.