grey. (everything ends someday, pt. 4)

life was simpler when things were black and white,

but when things got hazy nothing focused quite right.

i don’t think our eyes have become accustomed to seeing grey.

it’s messy and painful and usually scares me away.

like i don’t belong,

(and yes it is true that we don’t fully belong here, but we should at least be able to set some things down and adjust)

and like love from those around us only covers a limited amount of wrongs.

there’s no words that people have spoken to me lately that have brought anything other than grief.

i’m just trying to find some room to breathe and begging for relief.

there is a promise that i still hold true- that God shines through the darkest days;

it’s just maddening when those you love seem to be adding to the haze.

maybe we weren’t meant to see grey.

maybe we can’t handle the nuances;

maybe we don’t know how to pray.

because life is so unfathomably complex,

and maybe the fall was when we started asking, “why?”

unfiltered, these distinctions, these subtleties are masterpieces and they’re wonderful and inspiring.

maybe the haze has just confused us and caused it to spiral and spin and left us with migraines.

maybe we were meant to see grey,

but maybe i can’t handle it yet.

could you help?

i think you’ve tried.

but maybe after all of the nights like these where i bared my soul for anyone to see, you’ve all grown tired of hearing from me. maybe i’ve burned you out,

because you don’t ask me about it anymore. instead, my progress has been much slower than you wanted, and it’s become a chore for you to try and get me to grow up and figure it out.

so you wave cordially,

smile when you can,

and maybe someday i’ll be useful again.

maybe you know what it’s like to understand grey,

and so for someone to miss it so often feels like a lost cause.

maybe we weren’t meant to see grey.

maybe we were meant to see grey.

right now, it’s blurry.

everything ends someday,

and it ends up right back where you started, picking it up.

only this time, it’s left a stain and now you’re done being let down.

i’m sorry to let you down.