breathe. (dear you, pt. 15)

the toughest part about breathing,

i think,

is thinking about breathing.

once your conscious mind starts thinking about breathing,

you’re stuck thinking about it.

no turning back.

and so what was once such a natural function to you

is no longer effortless.

at least, temporarily.

give it a few minutes, and the thought usually wears off.

it’s transferred back to your subconscious and you can just let your body and brain and heart and lungs do their thing.

you see,

that’s how things are divided.

conscious and subconscious.

automatic and manual.

routine and ritual.

it’s important to distinguish between the two.

it’s important to discern what goes on which side.

it’s also very easy to lose track.

because breathing is a given.

but i think i lump too much into the subconscious,

and so i miss things that matter

because i’m so focused on the things that i’ve already inaccurately placed in my list of things that go on the conscious side.

and again we’re back to the noise.

it’s why i haven’t been listening to you.

(either/any of you for that matter - because there’s a lot of people i haven’t been listening to.)

i think i fear you telling me what is out of place,

because chaos quickly becomes comfortable to me.

isolation is easy when life feels like a hurricane,

because we tell ourselves that it’ll be safer for everyone else to just wait on the harbor so that we can keep them out of the storm.

but maybe the shore is there for a reason,

and the storm isn’t following us. we just keep chasing it instead of getting out of the water and onto the safety of dry land.

dear you,

i get it.

just give me some time.

let me come to the shore,

because it looks good and i miss standing in security.

and please,

throw some ropes out here,

because while you’ve been on the shore for quite some time,

long enough for it to become subconscious for you,

i’m still thinking about each breath.