night songs.

 They say the city doesn’t sleep,Well then this definitely ain’t a city, cause I’ve rarely seen it wake up. 

I’d love to sing songs about the day. Because all I’ve ever written are the melodies of darkness. I want the day and the joy and the love and the hope and the things that make my heart soar to turn into words. I want to write about how happy I am, because it's been a long time since I've been in this place.  But my pen is so used to being saved for the brokenness. For the deep, the difficult, the pain, the angst, the loneliness, and the confusion. I don't know how to teach it to work differently.  I'd love to write songs about the day. But instead I'm going to try and write the best damn night songs I can. 

beauty in solitude.

 In the midst of desolation and destruction,
Beauty shines through this barren land. It’s odd to see things that are dead yet remain standing. 
And yet too often we try to remain standing when we know that we must come down to be renewed. 
To move on. 

But it’s hard not knowing when the purifying fire will pass through. Do I fall too early? I may spend more time lying down broken than I really want to. Do I stay up too long? Because it gets hard after a while, pretending to be firm.

So in the meantime I stand, honored to be amongst beauty and love. 

Who knows, maybe it’ll even bring me back.

weight.

 hope transcends pain, and you no longer have to feel hurt.

because feelings are fleeting.

and you can KNOW. you can know that you were made for better.

and certainty will crush doubt,

and the heights of glory will always overcome the depths of depravity.

because nothing can be too deep if we're guaranteed that we won't have to worry about falling. 

unmasking the line.

 I wonder how you think. If you do. At this point, I think there's so much residual damage that you may not be capable of cognitive thoughts. 

It's painful to realize the depths of depravity. But I think it's because we tend to forget the brokenness in ourselves. 

In a moment of watching someone at their absolute worst, we take pride in the fact that we're "not THAT bad."  You weren't wrong when you said "you don't even f***ing know me." Because that's true. 

I don't know you. 

I haven't known you for four years. How could I? You made it damn near impossible. 

The ocean has this terrible power to both give and take. It unites us together and separates us vastly. It sustains and yet can so easily destroy. It's breathtaking and terrifying.  You can get in the water without getting soaked, but at the very least you're going to end up with muddy feet. You can't escape the water unscathed.  You definitely haven't been left unscathed. You're soaked and freezing, devoid of feeling and completely filthy. And I want you to be out and come to dry land so you can get clean again but I know you won't do it until you're drowning and so I really want you to get the drowning over with so you can be pulled back to the top. Because standing at the edge watching is really just making my feet muddy.  I want you to win, but the game can't restart until you lose.

the ocean.

 Two years ago, I heard some very terrible news.

And so I got in my car at 11pm and drove to the ocean.

Except I never made it.

I made it halfway there.

I pulled over and slept.

And I went back home. 

I really wanted to make it to the ocean.

It took another year before I’d actually make it back again. 

The ocean has a way of making you feel small.

And making God feel huge. 

And there’s nothing better than that.