reflections. 11.4.12

Some nights just catch you by surprise.

If someone would have came up to me in September and told me exactly how rough October was going to be, I probably would have stayed in bed for a month. I received less sleep in October than in the previous two months combined. I no longer am a fan of dreams. Dreams are too much work, especially when you wake up unable to discern between dreams and reality. I’ve spent more nights up until 3, 4, or 5 in the morning praying for myself, my family, and those around me than I ever have before. At one point, I worked a 40-hour week in the course of 72 hours. I’ve felt on top of the world at times, and at the same time found myself completely unable to deal with anything around me. My constant prayer became “God, when are you going to cut me a break?”

About 3 weeks ago or so, I reached my lowest point. And since then, I made a promise with myself that I would no longer allow the little things to get to me. I’ve always had this habit of making everything out to be a big deal, so that the things that actually *are* a big deal don’t have much more weight on them than anything else. It’s really a bad system for prioritizing my emotions. However, with spending a few weeks focusing on tuning out the unimportant matters, I found myself significantly happier. There was still the big stuff, though. My family is still going through more trials than we could’ve ever imagined, my friends are experiencing struggles of their own, and I now have an illness that will take me a month to fight and is kicking my butt on a daily basis.

Let’s go back to tonight.

We had a worship night at our church tonight. A small band, about 75 people, and an unbelievable amount of love. Members of our church family, from 14 years old up to 84 years old, all got together and loved on each other. I saw a 65 year old lady praying with one of the girls from my youth group as sisters. I got to pray over two friends, both of whom are in the process of having their entire lives flipped upside down in different ways. I saw hearts change over the course of a 2-hour period. I saw walls go down, I saw barriers broken, and I saw lives renewed.

At the end of the night, I prayed with a friend who I had drifted apart from over the past few years, who came to me for prayer because he was desperate to draw closer to Jesus. I honestly don’t fully remember the words I spoke to him in those next 10 minutes, because I feel it wasn’t me speaking those words, but God telling me exactly what to say. I felt my soul renewed like it never has been before. And in my moments of surrender, I was able to feel more alive than I could ever possibly imagine. We came together tonight, and we were the church as God intended it. Not a bunch of judgmental jerks determined to make everyone feel bad about how bad of a person they are, not out to bash on people or pretend to have everything figured out, but to be broken; completely and utterly broken, and shining the light of Christ, the hope of this world, for all to see. To be love in its purest form; comforting our brothers and sisters, and bringing the dead to life.

I don’t think I’m going to sleep through November. That’s a month I need to experience.