my mind loves to wander. i wonder what you'd think if you followed it. would you understand? would you be able to keep up? i often find myself unable to maintain pace with my thoughts; i wonder if you'd have that same problem. it's why driving alone at night is great. i can feel free to think without having to explain myself. i really want to explain though. i love being honest with people, but to be honest i honestly don't know if i'm always honest with myself. if i can't handle it, what makes me think you'd ever be willing to understand? there exists somewhere in the back of my head this vision of me baring my soul for you to see, to truly see. the only problem is i don't think i know who the "you" is that i'm addressing. ugh. i guess this is what i get for spending so much time writing in metaphors...they get confused too easily. there's three of you right now, i think. there's you, the one who only will let me in when convenient, when it benefits you, but who i feel oddly obligated to. actually, there's four of you, because there's two of that you. then there's you, the one who doesn't know that they're missing something, except for those moments when you're really aware of it and you just can't figure out why it doesn't all make sense. actually, that was also two people. shit. this is hard. then there's you, who knows exactly what is missing but can't seem to shake it, to move past it, and now you feel complacent with leaving it missing. and then, there's you, and you're not so broken as much as just bent, trying to hold on and live life through the chaos of people and expectations, and if i told you this was about you i'd be nervous because of what you mean to me. and all of these people are somehow both archetypes and yet also actual people and are you but are also me.
it's 2:47am and my mind loves to wander, and this is all so incoherent and yet so carefully orchestrated. restless heart, let this restless mind rest.