dear you, pt 1

dear you, 

it's not that it's hard to write this one, it's just confusing. i'm writing to you as a person, but i'm writing to four of you, but i'm also writing to the concept of you. i don't know how that's supposed to work. we'll see.

you left my life close to four years ago. you're back, but you're also not back. you're here, but so gone that it barely matters. you have a desire for something different, but you also have no desire to change. you know how to manipulate to get what you want. out of the same mouth come blessings and curses. you're a blessing, and a curse. you have no idea how much i want this to be different for you, but i think you don't have much of a concept of anything different so it's not meaningful to you. you are the ultimate test of my patience and love, and i don't know whether it's you or me who's failing this. show that you care. show that something matters. anything. i don't think actually does for you. make something matter. please. make something matter. 

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you brought me in almost two years ago. you made me feel like i was a part of something bigger than myself. you helped me understand that we can make something greater than our individual parts. we embodied it. we laughed, we cried, we joked, we drove, we ate, we drank, we talked, we felt. but that last one seemed to break it. no part of me really understands this. because i remember what it was like when you were in my spot and felt the way i felt, hurt and angered over the rough times you had been faced with. over those who had wronged you. now i find myself in that same place, but unable to receive the love and care that i always hoped i had done my best to show to you. 

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we merged paths for quite some time this year. i thought that would have meant something. sometimes it must seem easier to keep people distanced, to string them along until something better comes along. i don't think I'd ever have the stamina for something like that. 

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your disappearance was the biggest shock. and to be honest, i should have expected it more. but you never want to believe that of anyone. especially you. every part of me wanted to believe that you had sincerity in you. i actually still really believe that you do. I just would like to know why it's come down to this. 

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to you i would love to say: i love you. please let that mean something to you, because it means a lot to me.