dissonance.chaos.gasoline. (dear you, pt. 13)

dissonance.

the most beautiful sound, i think.

there’s an odd balance between beauty and madness.

as if there’s a way for the chaos to make sense,

only so long as you don’t fly too far off the reservation.

i haven’t been sleeping again. i’ve spent way too much time thinking of you,

but not really thinking of you.

i’ve mostly been thinking about the concept of you.

because as i’ve stood here for the last year, slowly gluing myself back together,

i’ve often thought about chaos.

i thought i thrived in it.

it turns out, i made it work when i had to,

but i wouldn’t call that an existence.

i’m over being reactionary.

and yet,

here i am.

currently it’s 12:30.

last night it was 4:30.

the night before, it was 3:30.

and i’ve been thinking about chaos again,

and about dissonance.

i’m trying to wear a new frame,

because the chaos didn’t work for me.

as it turns out,

it’s harder to isolate the madness and drive it away than it is to ignore it.

but i can’t ignore it.

i love the dissonance,

but i loathe chaos now.

dissonance has a tendency to at least acknowledge the rules. chaos carries no regard.

dissonance allows you to burn the house to the ground and start over,

but chaos is covering yourself in gasoline beforehand.

and your disregard for my vulnerability has covered me in gasoline.

dear you,

everything ends someday,

and now,

it’s really late,

and i need to wash the gasoline off of this shirt,

so i can burn the house down without burning myself anymore.