dear you, pt 1

dear you, 

it's not that it's hard to write this one, it's just confusing. i'm writing to you as a person, but i'm writing to four of you, but i'm also writing to the concept of you. i don't know how that's supposed to work. we'll see.

you left my life close to four years ago. you're back, but you're also not back. you're here, but so gone that it barely matters. you have a desire for something different, but you also have no desire to change. you know how to manipulate to get what you want. out of the same mouth come blessings and curses. you're a blessing, and a curse. you have no idea how much i want this to be different for you, but i think you don't have much of a concept of anything different so it's not meaningful to you. you are the ultimate test of my patience and love, and i don't know whether it's you or me who's failing this. show that you care. show that something matters. anything. i don't think actually does for you. make something matter. please. make something matter. 

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you brought me in almost two years ago. you made me feel like i was a part of something bigger than myself. you helped me understand that we can make something greater than our individual parts. we embodied it. we laughed, we cried, we joked, we drove, we ate, we drank, we talked, we felt. but that last one seemed to break it. no part of me really understands this. because i remember what it was like when you were in my spot and felt the way i felt, hurt and angered over the rough times you had been faced with. over those who had wronged you. now i find myself in that same place, but unable to receive the love and care that i always hoped i had done my best to show to you. 

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we merged paths for quite some time this year. i thought that would have meant something. sometimes it must seem easier to keep people distanced, to string them along until something better comes along. i don't think I'd ever have the stamina for something like that. 

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your disappearance was the biggest shock. and to be honest, i should have expected it more. but you never want to believe that of anyone. especially you. every part of me wanted to believe that you had sincerity in you. i actually still really believe that you do. I just would like to know why it's come down to this. 

------/ 

to you i would love to say: i love you. please let that mean something to you, because it means a lot to me. 

wandering.

my mind loves to wander. i wonder what you'd think if you followed it. would you understand? would you be able to keep up? i often find myself unable to maintain pace with my thoughts; i wonder if you'd have that same problem. it's why driving alone at night is great. i can feel free to think without having to explain myself. i really want to explain though. i love being honest with people, but to be honest i honestly don't know if i'm always honest with myself. if i can't handle it, what makes me think you'd ever be willing to understand? there exists somewhere in the back of my head this vision of me baring my soul for you to see, to truly see. the only problem is i don't think i know who the "you" is that i'm addressing. ugh. i guess this is what i get for spending so much time writing in metaphors...they get confused too easily. there's three of you right now, i think. there's you, the one who only will let me in when convenient, when it benefits you, but who i feel oddly obligated to. actually, there's four of you, because there's two of that you. then there's you, the one who doesn't know that they're missing something, except for those moments when you're really aware of it and you just can't figure out why it doesn't all make sense. actually, that was also two people. shit. this is hard. then there's you, who knows exactly what is missing but can't seem to shake it, to move past it, and now you feel complacent with leaving it missing. and then, there's you, and you're not so broken as much as just bent, trying to hold on and live life through the chaos of people and expectations, and if i told you this was about you i'd be nervous because of what you mean to me. and all of these people are somehow both archetypes and yet also actual people and are you but are also me.

it's 2:47am and my mind loves to wander, and this is all so incoherent and yet so carefully orchestrated. restless heart, let this restless mind rest. 

simplicity.complexity. anxiety.complacency.

there's no simplicity in moving on;

because there was nothing simple about staying put.

there's no complexity in searching within;

because i think i understand myself a little better.

there's a mountain of anxiety hanging around my brain;

because the things i thought that knew don't make as much sense anymore. maybe. or they do, and the realization of that is the root of the anxiety. because maybe i missed it, and maybe it's really complex but maybe it's also super simple and maybe just the things that atter re at the center of my heart and maybe i can realize that the world isn't so bad and things are really really great and i love just about everyone and everything around me right now and even those who have become distanced are still on my heart. 

there's no anxiety in true realization (maybe).

there's no complacency in rediscovery. thank God. movement is glorious when it's not just for the sake of motion. 

no turning back.

Nothing better than getting to be a part of changed lives.

For a friend.

I used to think darkness didn't make sense.

i didn't understand the weight of pain until i got to experience it firsthand. There's still so much I've never directly felt, but I've grown so accustomed to seeing it in those around me that it almost feels natural sometime. 

But understanding darkness was the first step towards a true appreciation of light.  

You told me a few months ago that you didn't know what to do with yourself sometimes, because you never thought you would have made it this far. When you first walk out of a dark room into the light of day, it's almost unbearable. My first instinct is always to shut my eyes tight until I can adjust. Then, I'll slowly open one at a time until things balance themselves out, and things begin to take shape. My eyes begin to regain clarity. Sometimes the light can bring a headache, and it makes you search for dark again just to bring around a familiar numbness. But ultimately, if given the choice, the adjustment is always worth it. Light is always so much better than darkness, because we can see the beauty we're meant to share with each other. And suddenly the light makes sense, and it becomes a sensation that can never be matched, and it makes the long, slow, frustrating road to get there worth it.  

you never thought you'd make it this far. 

i'm glad you were wrong.