nausea.

there's been a lingering nausea here in me for the last few days

and I don't know what it's about.

because nothing has changed.

nothing has changed.

and I don't know if it's me or if it's them, or if it's you.

is it inside or is it outside

because nothing has changed.

nothing has changed.

but a lot has changed.

and my outlook has started to turn around.

and my desires have started to shift.

and my demeanor has started to lighten up.

and a lot has changed.

a lot has changed.

but nothing has changed.

because the wandering has become even heavier.

and the strain has grown deeper.

and the habits are still there.

but I think a lot's changed.

and I know that you have made me want to be better,

but you've made me want to be indifferent too.

I need to care

but not because of you.

but because of You.

and not for me.

but all for me.

and i think I've changed. but I don't know if I've changed. and I hope I change. and I know I shouldn't change.

and the nausea is still here.

adjust.

my eyes keep trying to adjust to this,

holding on to the dim glow that's all that's left in the dark.

the only thing they can grab onto outside of the steady pulse of the flickering light outside.

and I can't tell if I hear rain or if the snow is just melting; for all its worth it sounds the same and its left a mess everywhere.

and it's sort of like my life right now,

I can't tell if something new is happening

or if I'm still just trying to shake off the old.

But what's falling?

that doesn't make sense yet.

I don't want to get up,

but I hate staying down.

and I bet you feel the same. is this still getting you down? because I want you to fly, but your wing might be stuck. it's caught onto the firmest branch, and we might have to cut it out.

it's going to hurt like hell, but without it you'll never reach heaven.

let's dance out here. let's leave here, let's never leave here. it's beautiful, and you're beautiful, and this life is so beautiful.

but you're hurt. and I'm hurt, and we don't want it to hurt.

I'd take the snow and ice over the mud and rain any day. we may fall in the ice, but the snow is full of beauty. and you're full of beauty.

this mud just sinks us down, and it never seems to leave. it should leave. I should leave.

I know it will all be washed, but we have to leave it out so it won't be missed.

come leave this place with me,

and let's stay here together.

because this isn't home, but you might make it home for me.

dear you, pt. 4

dear you, 

I know that there's not enough answers, and too many questions.  

questions that you weren't even asking.  

questions that didn't need to be asked.  

questions that needed to be asked.  

people sometimes say it's hard to let the head catch up with the heart sometime.  

i think it's even harder to reconcile your heart with someone else's head.  

it's wearing you down. it's wearing you out. it's so easy to make assumptions, but it's much harder to define reality when you don't know where you are in the first place sometime. 

thoughts are are a dangerous world. intentions are a maze. assumptions are a poison. pain is a catalyst, but sometimes we don't want the change to be that fast. it's easier to live in the moment until you zoom out and see that the moment might be in the wrong frame. 

and your choices do not define you.  

they are yours.  

but they are not you. 

you ae more than that. 

you are more than what people say you are. 

or think you are.  

or what you think you are.  

you are a glorious soul with a crooked smile.  

it reveals the pain within but doesn't lack genuine joy.  

and I'm tired of seeing it disappear.  

never let your struggle become your name.  

take your struggle home. 

bring your hurt to the table.  

label it.

name it. 

question it. 

yell at it. 

cry at it. 

banish it. 

but never feel like you have to wear it. because you've been given far greater things to wear. and when you can look at yourself in the silence and in the solitude of growth and see the beauty that is being shaped before your eyes, you'll know that you never need to settle for anything less than wonderful. 

dear you, I love you, please know you are loved. 

dear you, pt. 3

dear you,

I've been there.

I'm still there.

I don't know how I got there,

but I knew that I most definitely didn't care.

because the answer had always been there.

and the things distracting me helped keep me unaware.

the decisions I had to make seem(ed) so unfair,

like I didn't understand how it was my burden to bear.

I knew I didn't want this to be something I had to share,

I wanted to be alone in my despair.

I thought I was alone in my despair.

I KNEW I was alone in my despair.

even though I'm never alone in my despair.

you see, it's not the confusing decisions that keep us awake.

it's the obvious choices we know we have to make.

but why does it always seem like the hardest road to take?

we don't let love and grace win, and under the weight of pain we break.

we close our hearts to friends around us, and their comfort seems like a mistake,

but we need someone there when we ache.

it's all because we can't trust.

it's all because we don't trust.

it's all because we won't trust.

even though all we want is trust.

quit giving your heart to people that refuse to give theirs back;

but stop thinking that this pattern will keep you on the right track.

it's not trust you're missing, it's grace that we both lack.

so when others are lost trying to make their way in, let's try and cut them some slack.

you are loved, please love you back.

you are you and I am me but I am also you and others are us too and you are loved,

please love you back.

dear you, pt. 2

maybe the hardest part of realizing how empty you really are is discovering that what you've been drinking all this time wasn't really water.

------/

dear you,

I know it's not enough,

even though it feels like a dream.

you understand happiness. excitement. contentment. and all of the other ones like them.

but I don't know if you've ever known joy.

the security that comes from abandoning temporal anchors, the freedom found in embracing true wholeness.

I know the happiness never lasts. I've seen the other side. the part of you that latches on to things and people who only continue to fail you. and it makes you want to blame yourself and the way you feel. but it doesn't matter.

I know you know I don't know how to know it. I don't know how to explain it. but I do know what I gained when I filled those same gaps you have with something greater. i want so much more for you, because you deserve every bit of it even though you don't always feel the same.

I love you, please see that I love you, but please know that i love you because you are already loved.